Spring Trip: New Hance - Tonto - South Kaibab

4/16/98 - 4/21/98

OK ...so you have read Cheech's (Achilles Calenti) account of the trip. I will offer an alternate view - that of the Novice Hiker. After reading his flawed and inaccurate account, I feel obligated. "Why is another view needed?" you may ask. Well, have you ever noticed that when these trail hardened, experienced types (like Cheech, whom I refer to as the "Canyon Master") describe a trail or how tough or how far something was, they describe it ONLY from the perspective of the "Master Hiker" race? Did you ever hear them say something like "Well I didn't think it was tough but for a beginner hiker it may be more than they should try in a day"? I haven't. Or how about telling us how they REALLY feel after negotiating a certain section. Getting at the truth is further complicated by a certain machismo that sets in with these 500 Milers. For example, one evening, Cheech was in such pain he couldn't move another inch and all he would admit to was feeling "a little sore".

So... if you are relatively new to the Canyon (this was only my second trip) AND are following parts of these particular trails with an experienced hiker (a really good idea by the way) AND you want to know what it was REALLY like, read THIS account. As a bonus, along the way, I will offer what I call my "Novice Hiker Tips". Hey, somebody has to look out for the beginner. Cheech made it clear that I was only a "Canyoneer Trainee I" and not a full fledged Canyoneer. So this account is for all you Canyoneer Trainees out there.

When Cheech told me the trip was 40 miles and that we would do it in 5 days, I asked if we could take six days rather than five. He rolled his eyes. I couldn't SEE them but I could FEEL them. "Geez, Gar, he said, "we'd have to almost CRAWL to need that many days". But he reluctantly agreed and in the end described the trip as a "leisurely" trek with lots of "short hikes" and even a "whole day layover". He made it sound like the easiest hike he was ever going to do. I actually felt a little bad about it - like, just for me, he was going to have to be bored to tears. So if you have been told this trip is no big deal, be skeptical. This trip is plenty tough.

(Novice Hiker Tip # 1: Know the true meaning of the lingo. If your guide says a trail section is "easy", that means that it will push you to limits with which you are totally unfamiliar. If he says it "may be tough, in parts" that means that all your joints will ache, your feet will blister and "in parts" you will wonder why the hell you came!)

By the way, Cheech is really unfair in ribbing me about the forgotten tent fly when HE was the one who forgot the bag it was in. Plus the reason the fly was NOT in my pack was because HE told me to split the weight of the tent up with my partner (John Avello). Being the good pard I am, I packed the tent & poles and left the lighter fly out for John.

While the Canyon Master admits the New Hance goes "down, down and down", the reality is that the New Hance, from the rim to the river is a killer. No...not just a killer, its a KILLER'S KILLER. No two ways about it. Cheech's trail description is factually accurate but leaves out what the impact is on real human beings. I have also climbed UP the New Hance (no picnic either) but in THIS direction, this trail is a thigh burning, ankle twisting, blister birthing (and blister breaking) chest cramping, KILLER!! By the time we made the only level camp site between the rim and the river, I was wasted. The only thing that revived me was Tom Ralston's absolutely, unbelievable, incredible Italian dinner. The only thing more astounding than consuming that tasty fare was that Tom carried all that extra 8 lbs or so down THAT trail! The man must be part mule! By the way, what the Canyon Master doesn't mention is that we hiked this really tough, steep descent of 6.5 miles in about 4 hours!! I was surprised not to see a painted finish line at the camp site and a guy with a stop watch waving a racing flag! Instead of calling him the Canyon Master, I thought maybe we should call him Cheech "Jeff Gordon" Calenti.

As far as Johnny's snoring goes, before you conclude I over reacted, consider what it might be like sleeping with a bull moose in heat in a space the size of a pup tent. How loud was it? It hard to describe but the next morning I noticed a new rock slide and a huge pile of fresh talus west of the camp! The only thing that kept him from personal harm was the fact that he has been a wonderful friend for 35 years. (I imagine that his survival at home is only assured because his wife loves him even more).

(Novice Hiker Tip # 2: Carefully screen your sleeping partner. Interview their spouses, friends, family, parents, etc. to determine any disturbing sleeping habits like snoring, rolling around, etc. Insist on a complete medical history and a psychological work up to detect any other annoying behaviors as well. Once you take on a "pard" you are stuck with them until you're out.)

(Novice Hiker Tip # 3: On steep declines over extended periods of time, you should stop at least every hour, check your feet and use mole skin. Don't depend on the advice of the Canyon Master..."Aww,....well ya just feel when you get a hot spot and then use the mole skin". If you 're a beginner you don't KNOW what a hot spot FEELS like until its too late! So stop and check regularly. And... if your party doesn't wait for you...well... its better to know where you stand early in the trip!

(Novice Hiker Tip # 4: Use sock liners. The CM had them. I guess he must have forgotten to mention their value to me.)

On paper (and in the CM's twisted mind) this 6 miles between the CAMP # 1 and Hance Creek is not too tough. However, if you factor in the difficulty of the descent the day before, the blisters (if you are a novice hiker, by definition, you will have blisters by this point) and the initial ascent through the dunes, its not all that easy. In addition, the contour in through Hance Canyon seems to take forever. Here Cheech conveniently neglects to tell you how he came upon a Grand Canyon Rattle Snake laying right on the trail and how he practically jumped out of his skin, rose about three feet in the air and yelled "OH SHIT!" Of course, (being the Canyon Master), he quickly recovered and resumed a calm, sage like air. "Aww.. just another rattler". You know, like he sees GC rattlers every day. Gimme a break. The CAMP # 2 here is very enjoyable, the laughs are many and I forget my aches and pains.

(Novice Hiker Tip # 5: Try to keep your head up on the trails. This may sound easy but its not. At times you are concentrating so intensely on your feet (just to keep them moving) and on the trail (trying not to slip on the all too prevalent rocky rubble), you can miss amazing things right in front of you. The beauty of the canyon is obvious and breathtaking in its panorama, but it is equally subtle, sparse and hidden in its wild life, flowers and plants. If you put in the effort to hike it, you want to take in as much as you can. Of course... stepping on a rattler can really ruin your day too so do be careful where you step.)

The climb out of Hance is strenuous but not too bad. By this time you're more conditioned to the routine. Plus it is absolutely beautiful. Post card shots everywhere. The stretch around the base of Horseshoe Mesa is a piece of cake compared to what you've already done. The contour into Cottonwood Creek is nothing compared to Hance Creek. Cottonwood boasts the most trees in one place on this trip and with its greenery, its in stark contrast to the rest of the environment. You will love the respite here. Of course, just when you're getting comfortable, the Canyon Master announces its time to leave and then gives YOU that look...like... " Ah shit. He's sitting down again. Now we'll never get 'em up" (He's right, of course, but there no need to be nasty about it). However, since this is a really long section its best not to dawdle. The rest of the way to the mouth of Grapevine Canyon and the contour into Grapevine is long, hot and rather tedious. While the contour into Hance Creek just SEEMS like it goes on forever, for a beginner, the contour into Grapevine DOES go on forever. These contours really tap your energy and add time to the trip. This ultimately caused us to skip a full layover day, planned for Grapevine. Since its impossible that the Canyon Master under estimated the demands of these contours in his planning, I have to assume that he knew about them all along and was testing my resolve to get the promotion to Canyoneer Trainee II that I so craved. Be careful here. Your tired & hot and the trail is narrow. One bad spill and you take the "quick way" to the bottom. CAMP # 3 is a great spot under the rock with the engravings. In addition to those Cheech mentions there are a few other interesting ones. "20th - 1890" and "No. 9". If they are forgeries they ARE well done in terms of the lettering. I bet some research into military regiments or army companies of that time and region could turn up a connection.

(Novice Hiker Tip # 6: Tom Ralston is a back packer extraordinaire. No matter what utensil or food you wish you had - he HAS it! The man carries a fully equipped kitchen in his backpack. Like one night I said, "Too bad I don't have some tobasco sauce for this". BING!!. There it is, emerging two seconds later, from Tom's pack. The tip here is ...don't ever go hiking in the Canyon without Tom Ralston.)

The climb out of Grapevine doesn't feel as tough as the contour into it. Of course, we were well rested after taking half a day to bath, cool off and relax. (The kindness and mercy of the Canyon Master WAS in evidence... at times). Once you are out on the Tonto its easy hiking and the camp sites are truly unbelievable. This was the night we saw the scorpion, NOT the night of the 20th as Cheech reports. (This only serves to illustrate the poor condition of his memory and supports my contention that many elements of his account are inaccurate). I WAS planning to sleep outside that night but , unfortunately I had just read Dellenbaugh's account of the second Powell expedition and in it there is a detailed description of one of the party being bitten by a scorpion and a grim description of how sick he became. Plus here at CAMP # 4, the tent was up wind of Johnny's snoring... it was just too tempting.

The hike to Lone Tree Canyon is pleasant but hot. The temp soared into the 90's. Back out on the Tonto is again easy hiking but crossing the three drainages of Cremation Canyon is a killer. Not a KILLER in capitals like the descent down the New Hance but a killer none-the-less. (Here, the CM got it wrong again. We crossed this area on the 20th not the 21st). In and out of the tributaries of Cremation was really tough. No contouring here. It's straight into and straight out of each one. Just when you think you are done, another one presents itself and seems to laugh in your sweaty, hot face. By the time we reach our last CAMP # 5 out on the Tonto, just east of the South Kaibab junction, I'm pretty beat ...but glad were are so close to the South Kaibab, where the distance isn't far to the rim. This is preferable since the ascent is very steep and "in parts" quite precipitous. The camp is another gorgeous site with views all around. The food is great, the scotch sublime and the company is the very, very best (yes, yes.. including the frequently annoying Canyon Master).

The last morning we broke camp early, finished the short stretch of the Tonto and hit the junction of the South Kaibab. Just like the New Hance takes no prisoners coming down, this trail takes you literally straight to the top on a never ending ascent of about 4 to 5 miles. Part of what CM reports here is true. There WAS a mule train driver who was sleeping as he descended the section that is cut right out of the cliffs and he DID almost knock me off the edge. However, the hysterics CM describes are a gross exaggeration. Barely raising my voice, all I said was something like. "My, my, CM....did you happen to notice the foolish driver of that mule train was napping on the job? Gosh and by golly...it was most fortunate that I was not knocked right off O'Niel Butte".

(Novice Hiker Tip # 7: On the Kaibab watch out for runaway mule trains! Stay on the inside of the trail at all times...and keep your cool if your life flashes before you because some stupid, IDIOTIC, PEA BRAINED, IRRESPONSIBLE....I mean.... just in case that rather foolish mule rider comes YOUR way.)

On the way out I WAS fortunate enough to be near the Canyon Master for a good part of the hike. I noticed that at several points he would stop, lean on his hiking stick and take very, very deep breaths. I assumed he was meditating or something. He explained (very patiently, of course) that he was "pondering the beauty and the meaning of the Canyon". Sure...sure...

On the climb out it seemed to me that any speed records my partners did not happen to break on the way down the New Hance, they were intent on breaking on the way out! I did my best to keep up and although I was the last one out (as usual), I made the rim in just over four hours. I was sort of proud of myself until I learned that Johnny made it out in THREE HOURS. The boy has legs of steel and the resolve of a pit bull!

(Novice Hiker Tip # 8: If you happen to encounter John Avello on his way OUT of the Canyon, GET OUT OF HIS WAY. If HE runs you over, you will be in more trouble than if you were run down by a runaway mule train!)

So now you know the truth about the trip and can see that Cheech's original description doesn't compare to our actual trip. Did it sound "leisurely" to you? I don't think so. However, while he mis-represented much of the trip, the old Canyon Master was absolutely right about one thing. It WAS a WONDERFUL trip!

P. S. My promotion to "Canyoneer Trainee II was eventually bestowed upon me by none other than the legendary Canyoneer, Harvey Butchart, who signed a copy of his book Grand Canyon Treks, 12,000 Miles Through the Grand Canyon with a .."Best wishes , Gary, Canyoneer II...Harvey Butchart"

Many heartfelt thanks CM...for the book, the promotion AND the trip.